About a year ago I started the search for my biological mother and shared my experience in a blog entitled ‘The Adoption Files’. However, writing ‘The Adoption File’ became as much about understanding the effects of childhood on individuals as finding my natural family. Whilst my story is related to my adoption much of what I discovered about the effects of childhood and family is the same for anyone, whether adopted or not. The truth is family is central to many of our life experiences and sometimes those are good and sometimes not so good. When childhood has not been so good it can overshadow the rest of our lives, however, it does not have to, we can turn those negatives around to achieve positive outcomes.
Many people spend their lives trying to be the person their family want them to be rather than just being themselves. This often stems from negative experiences in childhood that shape relationships within families. That childhood and family shape our lives is not exactly a startling revelation, however, this much I know, they do not have to define who we are and who we become. As George Eliot suggests “It is never too late to be who you might have been”. We are not bound by our childhoods, forever imprisoned in a world defined for us by others. Throughout life we meet individuals who are equally as important in shaping who we are and what we might become, and of course we also have our own will, intellect, humour to carry us forward into life to become the people we want to be.
The central message from my adoption story can be summed up in the words of Steve Jobs, who, like I was also adopted, and they apply to anyone who might have had a difficult childhood or who is still affected by negative family relationships
“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of other’s opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary”.
The ‘Adoption file’ is a free short ibook and provides a snapshot of my journey to finding my natural family, and my reflections on famly and relationships. It is a story of life and hope.
from the introduction
‘Ayaan Hirsi Ali begins her book “Infidel my life” describing a scene with her grandmother when as a five year old she was able to name her family ancestry back three hundred years. In Somali culture lineage is central to belonging, this was something Ayaan had drummed into her as a child. Knowing our cultural heritage, our ethnic roots and family history is important to understanding who we are, they provide reference points from which we can develop an understanding of the factors that have helped shape who we are today. It is easy to over emphasise the importance of these when you do not know them, or under value their importance when you do. However, equally important is the way we are brought up and our relationships within the family. Whether who we are is predetermined by some invisible invention of science called genetics or the highly visible ‘*uck ups’ (as the poet Philip Larkin would suggest) made by our parents is commonly known as the ‘nature vs nurture’ debate and has been the subject of much discussion for decades. The truth is we are probably shaped by a bit of both[…]’
The book can be downloaded here
(You will need an iPad to read it)